Signs of a Healthy Love Life

 Healthy dating and marriage in Glendora, CA

Healthy dating and marriage in Glendora, CA

As a counselor in Glendora I get to help people heal their love lives daily. Everybody wants a healthy love life. Being able to feel safe and connected to another human being that you partner with long term appears to be built into our DNA. However, since a majority of the relationships we see around us end- it is hard to get a clear picture of what a healthy love life would look like. 

I thought it would be fun today to explore the signs of a healthy love life! 

  1. You are able to express your needs to your partner. Whether they are uncomfortable, or fun- you know it is ok and safe to make a request to your boyfriend, husband, or girlfriend and that you can talk through it. 
  2. You are able to identify and own your part of the problem. We are all imperfect. Crazy huh? Being in a healthy relationship doesn't mean you don't have fears, insecurities, frustrations etc. People in healthy relationships can identify and "own" when they are being a jerk, apologize, and move forward. 
  3. Your partner can identify and own their part of the problem. Does your partner ever own to being a jerk? Never? In healthy relationships, both sides can acknowledge where they are struggling and reach out to ask for support. 
  4. You partner together to solve problems. Most partners argue about household chores. Why? Because cleaning the house is a bummer! Healthy couples attack the housekeeping as an external problem- and partner together to come up with a solution that works for both people. They use this same strategy on most problems or issues that arise. 
  5. You are able to see the problems as external to your relationship. Some things in life and relationships are really, really hard. Sometimes there aren't easy answers. If you can see the problem as something external- and not the fault of your partner- you will be able to tap into the best parts of one another. Life doesn't have to be perfect for you to have a happy love life. 
  6. You don't forget about the fun. How did you feel when you first started dating your partner? Healthy relationships make time for fun, joy, and together times- even when things get rocky. Why? Because these are the times that remind you why you are with your partner and give you the energy to work through the hard stuff. 

These are a few of the top themes I see in healthy relationships. Do you notice a pattern of goodness in your relationship? Go give your partner a smooch. 

Are you noticing some areas you can work on integrating into your relationship? Get at it! 

Are you finding that you have a pattern of relationships that don't include the above? If you are in a relationship- are you and your partner in a negative spiral? Feel free to give me a call for a free 15 minute phone consultation so we can chat through options for help. 

Sex and Love Addiction in Glendora

SexLoveAddictionGlendora

Does it seem like sex addiction and love addiction have become two new buzzwords? There is a lot of misinformation out there about sex addiction, and love addiction. 

Sex addiction is not just liking sex!

When people talk about sex addiction, they often make jokes about this being the "best addiction." People who truly have a sex addiction can find that they lose their ability to have a healthy, functioning relationship, lose their ability to enjoy great sex, and in some cases lose jobs, spouses, and thousands of dollars. 

True sex addiction is a true struggle and can negatively impact every area of a person's life. 

Love addiction is not just being addicted to love

Love addiction is not just liking the feeling of being in love or in a relationship, it is much more complex. People who struggle with love addiction often have unhealed experiences from their childhood that leave them feeling vulnerable, lonely, and abandoned. It isn't uncommon for someone to question if they are a love addict if they have a history of dropping everyone and everything in their lives in an effort to keep their relationship from ending. 

This can also lead to broken friendships, lost jobs, insecurity, and ending of what could be very successful relationships. Healthy partners of love addicts often feel extremely overwhelmed by the pressure they feel when dating a love addict. 

Sex and love are meant to be beautiful, enjoyable parts of our lives

Sex and love are both pleasurable. They help us feel connected to our partners, and are the basis with which we build relationships, marriages, families, etc. If your relationship to sex or love feel out of balance, if you are questioning whether you might have an addiction- get some support.

Whether you do or do not have an addiction, getting to the bottom of what might be keeping you from having a healthy, loving relationship can help you have a happier life! And who doesn't want that? 

I hope this helps you define sex addiction and love addiction. If you have questions specific to your situation, feel free to give me a call at 626-463-1422 for your free 15 minute phone consultation. 

 

Is my boyfriend a sex addict?

Sex addiction is largely seen in our society as either a joke, a way to excuse bad behavior, or something developed by prudes who are fearful of sex. 

True sex addiction isn't any of those things. And, just because your partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, or husband likes porn, has ever cheated in the past, or likes to have orgasms frequently, it doesn't make them a sex addict. 

At the same time, just ignoring the possibility of your partner having a sex addiction, or minimizing their behavior doesn't make them not a sex addict. 

If you have questions about sex addiction,

you are pretty normal. Today I want to help define sex addiction, and you can also take a quick quiz to see if your partner might need help overcoming a sex addiction. 

What is sex addiction? 

Sex addiction in the simplest language is using sex and sexual outlets in a way that hurts yourself and others. Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, a way to connect with others, something to feel good about after you do it. 

While many people may make sexual decisions that they later regret, someone with a sexual addiction feels compelled to repeat this cycle over and over again. People who are truly struggling with sexual addiction have been trying to overcome it for years, feel an incredible amount of shame, and will do anything they can to keep it from coming to the surface. 

Hiding Sex Addiction

There are many ways people will try to hide sexual addiction. While the most common form may be in cheating, sneaking, or blatant lying, there are other ways to hide the addiction. Attempting to involve the partner in the problematic cycle, blaming the partner's concerns or objections on the partner, etc. 

While one couple exploring polyamorous relationships may be doing so in a way that is honest and balanced. Other couples, one partner is pushing movement into the lifestyle as a way to hide, or overcome their deeper issues. Unfortunately, simply involving additional people in your relationship won't resolve the sexual addiction. 

Sexual addiction escalates over time. The behavior gets more frequent and compulsive over time. And as this happens, the person experiencing sexual addiction feels more and more shame. 

Many partners with sex addicts feel like they are going crazy. Their gut and intuition tell them that something more dangerous is happening, but the struggling partner minimizes, denies, and blames the behavior on the concerned partner. 

Is your partner a sex addict? 

The first step in determining that is answering just 5 simple questions. Whether your partner is or isn't a sex addict- you are reading this for a reason. If I can help, let me know. Take the Is my Partner a Sex Addict quiz, get your results, and explore what they mean. 

How to find a therapist in Glendora: Navigating uncharted territory

Therapists can sometimes forget how incredibly complex the process of entering counseling can be for people. Our days are spent learning about the different options, getting to know therapists deeply so we understand their personality, and helping match people up with the best therapists.

Wait… you match people up with the right therapist? Are you a therapy referral service in Glendora?

No, I’m not a referral service. However, a great therapist is simply focused on connecting you with the best path to get you where you want to go. That means during an initial consultation, they are exploring your goals, your personality, and helping you determine a next step. And yes, sometimes that means that they may be simply connecting you with someone else.

People are used to calling up a business and feeling like that person is just trying to convince them to come in. Counseling doesn’t work like that. It is a very individualized experience.  After years of working with people, I’ve learned to better determine quickly who I can help and who I can’t.

Steps to finding an awesome therapist:

1. Read their website. Many great therapists (not all), attempt to clarify on their website what they are most passionate about, and who they are most prepared to help. Does that mean if they don’t list the specific issue I need help with, that they can’t help me? No, not necessarily. Therapists are trained to work with anything that might walk in the door.

When you find someone you “click with” it is fantastic when it is clear that they can help with your specific issue. If you feel a connection with a particular therapist after reading their website based on their writing style, picture, etc., but they don’t specifically list what you need- give them a call. Worst case scenario you will speak with someone you trust and connect with who help direct you to the right person.

2. Write down all of your questions. Don’t be shy. We are prepared for you to have a lot of questions. In fact, there are several questions I volunteer the answers to during a consultation-even if you don’t ask. Why? Because these are common questions that I’ve found most people have, but they won’t ask. I totally get it! Your mind goes blank in the moment, you meant to ask, etc.

3. Be prepared to leave a voicemail. Most therapists are one person operations. It isn’t because they can’t hire a receptionist, often it is because they want to talk to you personally before you come in to make sure it is a good match. They don’t, and I don’t, want you wasting your time going to an appointment if we could have figured out in a 15 minute conversation on the phone that there was a better next step.

4. Don’t panic if they pick up the phone.  You may be calling their office directly or cell phone.  In my case I have a confidential messaging center that I check on a daily basis and return calls within 24 hours.  The point is to get a timely call back and response to your questions.  

5. Trust your gut. If you line up 3 great therapists, but you only really “click” with one- that is probably the one you should work with. Therapy with someone who you don’t trust or feel comfortable with can be unnecessarily terrifying!

I hope this helps you find the right therapist for you. My specialty is working with women who are struggling to have a healthy love life. That means I deal with break-ups, rocky relationships, determining why your relationships keep failing, and all the things that most women in their twenties, thirties, and forties experience.

I’m also a specialist in working with people who have questions surrounding sex addiction. Wondering if your boyfriend is addicted to porn? Trying to figure out if someone is a cheater or a sex addict? Wondering if your porn habit is just a hobby or something more problematic? I’ve got extensive training and hard to get certification that gives me expertise in this area.

Have additional questions, or want to see if we click? Give me a call at (626) 463-1422 and I will help you find the right counselor in Glendora, CA, even if it isn’t me.